Battle Report: A Dwarf With No Beer

"There's nothing so tragic, so sad or so drear
Than the pathetic sight of a dwarf with no beer..." - Ancient Gnomish ballad

(Being the report of a 3rd edition scenario of my devising fought at the Scythe and Teacup in Liverpool, featuring VanLoon's dwarves and my gnomes, as well as some of my other minis)

It's time to toast the dwarven new year. A cartload of ale for the festival was due to arrive at the dwarf settlement two days ago. Now the townsfolk are growing anxious that the new year's festivities will be dry: a terrible omen for the year ahead. Suspicions inevitably fall on the gnomish village half a day to the south. A militia has been dispatched to investigate. Will they find the beer and save the new year?


Gnorman let the door of the latrine swing shut behind him. "I'd leave it for half an hour if I were you..." The guards to the Gnomish village of Thingwall weren't listening. They'd just caught sight of something even more disturbing - a gang of dwarves appearing from beyond the hills, and these dwarves seemed to be in a foul mood.

"We best go and warn the others..." The guards sound the alarm, and the Duchess emerges with her companions of honour. Seeing Gnorman, she asks him for a report of the situation:
"I hear word of warning. What is the situation?"
"Well yes ma'am, like I said, I'd give it a while before heading in there"
"No, no, I mean..."

Her words were rudely interrupted as a wild eyed red haired pot bellied maniac of a dwarf ran ahead of the rest of his kind, screaming something that sounded like "GIVEUZBACKOURBEERYOUBASTARDS".

"What on earth is that dwarf saying?" Luckily, the Duchess was a trained diplomat and shrieked towards the advancing mob: "Now listen here you... erm... you little people, you have no business here. Return to your hovels at once. We have our new year's celebrations to prepare, and a fresh batch of beer to imbibe..."

This was too much for the wild haired dwarf beserker (known to his kin as Lorek Deathfast) to take, and, spying a stack of barrels he charged towards one of the gnomes standing nearby, cutting him down instantly.


The village was in danger of becoming a bloodbath. The gnomish jester leaps forward to try and break the tension with a joke. "So, a halfling, a dwarf, and a gnome walk into a bar..."

Somehow, it works: the dwarf crossbowmen shoulder their weapons and watch the act in bewilderment. Meanwhile the Dwarf Captain Garrick Craghammer negotiates with the Gnomish Duchess. Eventually they come to an agreement: the dwarves can search any part of the village except the warehouse. Garrick Craghammer makes a show of accepting these conditions; all the while, however, dwarf sappers led by Uther 'Bomber' Arris are edging their way around the back of the warehouse trying to find a way in.

While the sappers try and pick the lock of the sidedoor to the warehouse, Bomber Arris bounds forward and cracks open one of the barrels to see what's inside. A foamy liquid pours forth.

"IT'S THE BEER!" roared the beserker Deathfist, charging into combat once again, this time only to be cut down.
But had he jumped to entirely the wrong conclusion? Bomber Arris' face twisted into a picture of pure disgust as he realised, all too late, that this was no dwarven beer, but a weak gnomish brew. But the damage was done: the gnomish crossbowmen shoot dead the sappers trying to force the lock to the warehouse, and the Jester's attempts to cool things once again proved a miserable failure.

"Errr, have you heard the one about the dwarf, the gnome, and the halfling?"
"Don't you know any other jokes, gnome?" growled one of the dwarf crossbowmen, before despatching the jester with a bolt to the chest.

Finally, the Duchess screams out: "So, you wanted to know what was in the warehouse? Fine. Show them what we keep in the warehouse, boys!"

The chugging of an engine was followed by a crash, as a Gnomish tank burst through the crates blockading the entrance to the warehouse, and then by a loud explosion as the steam cannon mounted at the front of the tank ripped a hole through the ranks of the dwarven warriors and crossbowmen.

Hostilities had now well and truly commenced. The gnomish and dwarven warriors clashed, the Dutchess' Dog Fido bounded forward at the crossbowmen, and Garrick Craghammer tried to bring his hammer down on the Dutchess' head while Bomber Arris tossed a badly aimed grenade into the mix: the blast took life from both sides.


The battle raged on, the numbers of dead growing on each side, when a Gnome Wizard who had been standing and silently guarding the village's mushroom patch in advance of the New Year's Rituals, decided it was time to intervene, and cast a spell to paralyse the Dwarf Captain Craghammer - yet the Dutchess declined to deliver the killing blow:
"Dwarf, you have done enough damage. The dead are already too many. I am holding back my weapon: Why would I do that unless we spoke the truth? You have seen what we were trying to keep secret in our warehouse, and it was not your beer. We do not have what you seek. Begone."

The Dwarf crossbowmen were quick enough to take her advice, fleeing from the slobbering dog Fido.


But Craghammer could not bear to fail in his mission. "Then what became of our ale? The brewer should have arrived with his cart two days ago." Further enquiries meet with a crucial piece of information that had been missed in the rush to violence: one of the gnomes had seen a carthorse wandering freely but a day ago in the direction of the woods.

Garrick Craghammer sets off again, with his now severely depleted force; he calls for gnomish volunteers to join him: "Gnomes, before today there has never been trouble between our peoples." Unsurprisingly, very few heed his call, though three do go along at the urging of their Dutchess to maintain the uneasy truce in the hopes that the alliance might be rebuilt.


As they approach the woods, they see the upended cart, and two of the barrels of their ale. "But surely there should be more?"


Nearby is the slumped body of the brewer Tetli; alive, but only just.
"Tetli, who has done this to you?" roars Craghammer.
Tetli opens his mouth as if to answer, only to violently vomit over himself instead.

"He's not injured at all" spits Craghammer, "he's just bloody drunk!"

Futher into the woods are the sure signs of a party; including barrels of beer smashed open. There, standing around with flagons of ale, are a band of highlanders from East Albion: mercenaries who, having deserted from a recent battle, were hiding out in the woods to bide their time.


"Give us back our beer. All of it," ordered Craghammer.

"Awa' and bile yer heid ya bawbag, that's our beer. Yon wee fella was only too happy to share it with us. Disnae seem tae be able tae handle it though." The other kilted drunks roared with laughter.

Craghammer had had enough. Many of his own had died, and all because of the drunken antics of an idiot brewer and some men in skirts. Challenging the leader of the band, he found the warrior a match for him even though obviously unbalanced by the strength of the dwarven beer. Both dwarf and man were wounded; until at last the highlander, fatigued, collapsed on the ground. Craghammer raised his hammer high above his head ready to bring it down.

"The beer. All of it. And you owe us in the future."

The band of humans readily agreed.

The dwarves set off with their beer. But they left the brewer Tetli, who had caused so much trouble, behind. The festivities had been saved, but at a grave price. There would be fewer dwarves to call in the new year; and the women and the children left behind would pledge bitter vengence.



And the moral of the story: don't drink and drive.

Alternative Gnomes

The best laid plans of mice and gnomes gang aft agley, and though a new month has begun, I've not yet completed my Gnomevember work. Some finished painting to come very soon, but first I thought I'd discuss some of the alternative ranges of gnomes that are out there, and whether it's possible to include them in a contingent consisting primarily of C11 Citadel Gnomes.

Here are my findings:

Impact Miniatures

I'm a big fan of their ARBBL chaotic warrior blood-bowl style fimir, and so I thought it a good idea to have a look at their blood-bowl style gnomes. A bought a couple to try them out. Trouble is, they really are on the small side - 13mm to the eye. The head coach, waving his spanner, is a lovely sculpt and will just about fit in because his hat is sticking up enough to make him look the same height as the citadel minis (even though he's shorter to the eyes), but I think the players are sadly just too little.


Ginfritter's Gnomish Workshop

This range has some very distinctive gnomes. I bought 3 of them: Ginfritter the Gnome Illusionist Thief, Ginfritter the Not So Innocent Gnome (with a fireball behind his back), and Rhuud E. 'The Flippin' Gnome, giving the finger. (I didn't go for the flasher gnome who's exposing himself.) Sadly Rhuud E. Gnome is well out of scale (20mm to the eye, and the real problem is that he's just too chunky), but the others are fine (16 and 18mm to the eye).


Reaper Miniatures
Reaper have several different ranges. The bones ones look waaaay too cartooney, and the proportions aren't right for me. Some of them remind me of that shite Tree Fu Tom cartoon off CBeebies.

I mean, in what sense is that a gnome?

Then on the more appealing side, there's some interesting Bloodstone Gnomes - I find the somewhat Lustrian feel of them quite distinctive, although they come across as a little too dark for my purposes. Nevertheless, could be could conversion fodder, and I might return to this range in the future.


However, there was one Reaper fellow I couldn't resist including: Marius Burrowell, Gnome Thief. When he arrived, I discovered he was slightly on the big side (19mm to the eye, though when I rebase him, I'll take a bit off his chunky boots) and not quite the right proportions (head slightly too small), but characterful as anything, and with a lick of paint I think he'll fit in nicely.



Asgard Miniatures
Rummaging through some old lead, I found this guy:

Turns out that he's not a gnome, he's an Asgard dwarf; but he fits in perfectly with the gnome scale (18mm to the eye, just slightly higher than the citadel gnomes but not enough to care about) so he's being repurposed. This range is still available from The Viking Forge, so I may put in an order for some more of these not-gnomes in due course.


I've put in an order for gnomes from two other ranges that haven't arrived yet:

Essex Miniatures

Private W., in a comment on an earlier Gnomevember post, encouraged me to take a look at this fabulous looking range, which can be purchased here. I'm especially keen to get hold of the banner bearer and a musician. They have archers, gnomes with slings, and some extremely quirky minis, like the gnome chariot being drawn by - errrr what is that exactly...?

Pictures of the full range can be found on the Stunties Wiki


Black Tree Designs

BTD have these 3 Gnome Warriors, which I ordered during one of their frequent sales. Was particularly drawn to the fact that they have another dwarf with crossbow to round up the meagre number I have. Will be interesting to see how they scale up.

There were also a couple of ranges I decided weren't worth a speculative purchase: Otherworld Miniatures

I think Otherworld's sculpts are of a fantastic quality, and while their gnomes are no exception, they just don't fit in with the citadel gnome style. To me, this feels more like a scaled down human to a gnome. Too naturalistic, the heads are too small, and at 18mm to the eyes, I think they'd be a bit too tall to fit in anyway. However, I do intend to make some purchases from Otherworld and to drop into their Royston HQ one day to pick up my minis, so I may ask to take a look just to be sure.
Stonehaven miniatures
Some charming sculpts here if you like that aesthetic, but just that tiny bit too cartoonish for me, and I don't really think of gnomes as having ears that stick out THAT much.

Next up, belated painted Gnomevember gnomes!

My son's contribution to Gnomevember

My son has been getting into the spirit of Gnomevember by making some gnomes at school. Do not be fooled by the charmingly colourful exteriors, they're mischievous little blighters. Little bit on the big side for 28mm, but still, he's putting me to shame with his Gnomish productivity.

Elementals, tricksters, or just plain naff? Some Gnomevember reflections on gnomes.

Away from Gnomevember's painting regime, and up north amidst family anxieties, on this Monday morning I retreat into a pleasant world of idle thought and imagination to offer some meanderings on the subject of Gnomes.

Graeme Davis, the designer of Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, has celebrated Gnomevember by posting a Brief History of Gnomes in Warhammer. It seems that gnomes were one of those races that just couldn't be left out, but nobody gave too much thought as to how exactly to fit them into the Warhammer World, other than a statline: "Back in 1986, Citadel did have a few Gnome miniatures in its catalogue, so I included stats for them in the WFRP1 Bestiary. I’ve written before about how I tried to include stats for every miniature Citadel had ever made." Gnomes weren't included in the rulebook as a player race, although rules and background were written up in White Dwarf 86, and later reprinted in Apocrypha Now.

There we learn that gnomes are smaller cousins of the (already pretty small) dwarves. They are clannish, don't mix well, and spend most of their time in burrows or cavern networks underneath hill ranges. They like fishing, preferably in underground lakes: "Indeed, the Gnomic skill with rod and line is almost legendary." They have a sharp wit, and a liking for practical jokes; these characteristics have led to their being employed as jesters in royal courts.



So some excellent broad hints as to what they might be like, but thankfully left wide open for us to fill in the blanks with our own imaginations. Thus, here are 3 brief reflections on gnomes and why I think they are important:

1) Like fish through water, gnomes pass through the earth

One of the earliest written references to gnomes can be found in the 16th century alchemical writings of Paracelsus. He sees them as synonymous with pygmies, around "two spans" high, and describes them as mountain people. They are one of four representations of an element: Undines are the spirits of the water, Sylphs are the spirits of the air, Salamanders are the spirits of fire, and Gnomes the spirits of the earth. Each of these beings inhabits their element, breathing it, passing through it; and so too do each of these beings have a particular element as a "soil" in which to grow their food - for gnomes, water is this "soil" (which would explain the fishing rods, I suppose). God created each of these as guardians of their element. Gnomes are the guardians of the earth.

Hence, Gnomes are elementals. Not only do they have an affinity with the earth, a sense of that element being their home, passing through it as easily as fish through water, they embody the essence of the earth and are protectors of it.

2) Gnomes are the epitome of naff

Back in 2013, Ikea produced an advert that featured a middle class couple replacing their garden furniture with generic Scandanavian crap, only to have their garden gnomes fight back against the bland psudeo-modernist aesthetic. The couple are left with no alternative: they must slaughter the gnomes, each and every one.

Some people didn't like the advert and complained to the Advertising Standards Authority. But the message was clear: gnomes are naff. They are suburban, twee, sickeningly cutesy, everything we love to loath.

Maybe gnomes are naff. And that's why the Warhammer World needs them now more than ever. Without rehearsing the old anti-GW arguments, with which everyone's familiar, especially in these "end-times" times, right now in Warhammer everything is big, apocalyptic, grimmer than grimdark, END OF THE WORLD EVERYONE WILL DIE, massive multi-part plastic toys will RISE FROM THE EARTH AND DEVOUR US ALL and there will be SLIME and SKULLZ and WAR. In such a world of idiotic hyperbole, these little gnomes are completely out of place. They're too small. They're kind of cute. They don't conjure up images of endless war and suffering. That's why they are important, and why I'm going to make sure that at least a few of my gnomes have red pointy hats and white beards. Their very presence reminds us of the pathetic aesthetic and stops us getting carried away by a narrative arc so unbelievably hackneyed that it makes Dan Brown look like Dostoevsky.


3) Gnomes are the tricksters of the underground

Gnomes, like their close ginger-haired relatives the Leprechauns, are troubling because we don't know whether to take them seriously or not. Are they mocking us, tricking us, or warning us?

From British Goblins, by Wirt Sikes (1880): Under the general title of Coblynau I class the fairies which haunt the mines, quarries and under-ground regions of Wales, corresponding to the cabalistic Gnomes. The word coblyn has the double meaning of knocker or thumper and sprite or fiend; and may it not be the original of goblin? It is applied by Welsh miners to pigmy fairies which dwell in the mines, and point out, by a peculiar knocking or rapping, rich veins of ore. The faith is extended in some parts, so as to cover the indication of subterranean treasures generally, in caves and secret places of the mountains. The coblynau are described as being about half a yard in height and very ugly to look upon, but extremely good-natured, and warm friends of the miner. Their dress is a grotesque imitation of the miner's garb, and they carry tiny hammers, picks and lamps. They work busily, loading ore in buckets, flitting about the shafts, turning tiny windlasses, and pounding away like madmen, but really accomplishing nothing whatever. They have been known to throw stones at the miners, when enraged at being lightly spoken of; but the stones are harmless. Nevertheless, all miners of a proper spirit refrain from provoking them.

This is the mythology of the "knockers", gnomes of the Welsh and Cornish mines. Good luck or ill omen? The sound of knocking was the creaking of the earth and the timber supports that preceded a cave in. Were they malevolent creatures who caused the cave in? Or well meaning creatures who warned the miners in time for them to escape?

The dark creaking claustraphobia of the mine is pretty anxiety-inducing. And just as I like my fimir to embody longstanding cultural anxieties about the fens and marshlands, I like that the gnomes embody an anxiety about the dangerous underground where they make their home. You do not know whether to trust them or not. They are tricksters within the depths of the earth.


Next up, I'll consider alternative gnome models and how they line up next to the classic C11 Citadel gnomes.

Gnomevember!

Been a while since I updated the blog... to be honest, been in a bit of a hobby slump these past couple of months. It's not so much that I've lost interest, just that the energy expended in the run up to the Oldhammer weekend, and the excitement of the Bring Out Your Lead itself, meant that there was going to be an inevitable crash afterwards. Anyone else experience these post-BOYL blues? Added to which I'm very busy with work (and I'm lucky enough to do work that I love) and that's minimised any time or energy that I haveto get out the paints or get to games.

Part of the problem is that every time I had the urge to do some painting, all of the projects I've planned just seemed a bit overwhelming. So I decided I needed something a bit different, a manageable and interesting challenge to get me back in the game. I was considering doing something for Orctober, but I came a bit late to that. So what works for a November challenge..?


Welcome to GNOMEVEMBER!

One of the most underrepresented of the oldhammer races, gnomes are full of character. Granted, the classic citadel minis can be a bit pricey on ebay, but many of us have a few kicking about, and there are alternatives out there that are worth looking for.

Seeing as I have 13 classic models already (12 citadel, 1 grenadier), I reckon I have a good number to start a small skirmish force/ allied contingent. There are always scenarios that need a few gnomes!

So over the next month, I have a few aims:

- Get some of these wonderfully quirky minis painted

- Explore the mythology of gnomes and get a sense of how they might feed into narrative games

- Get hold of some of the gnomes that are being produced by various companies today, and see whether or not they can fit alongside the old citadel models.

...and maybe even get a game in with them!

Anyone else want to join me in celebrating Gnomevember? Come on, is anybody's oldhammer collection truly complete without a bunch of these wee fellas?

Plague Artillery

"And on the lands near Ida's towers,
A loathsome toad she crawls;
And venom spits on every thing
Which cometh to the walls"
- from the ballad 'The Laidly Worm of Spindleston Heugh'

Well, the unconstrained joy and the sickly hangovers that characterise Bring Out Your Lead 2014 are only now beginning to fade from memory, and soon I hope to type up a couple of battle reports from this most wonderful of weekends. Others have done a sterling job recording what it was like: see Orlygg here and here and see Warlord Paul here. I'm not going to attempt a grand scale review of proceedings, just give a very partial account of the kerfuffles I was involved in, but before that I thought I'd introduce of the newest weaponry at the disposal of Clan Slea: my Swamp Toad Plague Artillery.

In my search for creatures that (literally) ooze all things marshy and swampy, toads and frogs were very high up on the list. In particular, I was keen to exploit the medieval idea that toads spit venom, acid, bile, and all manner of unpleasant things, as clearly expressed in the ballad above, in which a woman is turned into a spitting toad. This theme is picked up in the Fighting Fantasy series in the (rather obviously named) SPIT TOAD, a man sized toad that spits acid into its victims eyes before devouring them - you can find these charming fellas in Island of the Lizard King.


So when I saw the Nurgle Plague Toads that Forge World were producing, I felt they were the ideal addition to my fimir army; and with the size and design of them, they immediately suggested a kind of artillery piece - a sort of plague mortar spewing forth disease and bile onto the enemy. The only problem was the cost - they're not the cheapest things in the world. But then I was lucky enough to pick up a set on ebay in the United States. They weren't offering postage to the UK, but I got them sent to an address in the US and then asked my long suffering wife to bring them back to the UK in her luggage.

For handlers, I've used Bog Raiders from Blood Moon Miniatures. Compared to other fimir-substitutes, these lads are definitely what you might call ripped. They have muscles peeking out from their muscles. It's a bit unsettling, like some kind of dodgy infomerical advertising ab crunchers. For this reason, they don't necessarily fit in with other not-fimir, and I do really REALLY hate the way that they come in so many little bits; having to assemble a single infantry model from 4-5 metal pieces (that aren't even that interchangable) is definitely not my idea of fun. So for that reason, they're never going to get a ringing endorsement from me, although I have to admit they do paint up quite nicely.

The plan for the siege game at BOYL was to have these buggers spreading death and disease among those cowering behind the castle walls. Did we succeed? All will be revealed in the next exciting installment...

The Forgotten Goddess: background for Gauntlet 2014

Some gods are so frequently troubled by the contradictory requests of men that they are driven to madness. Far luckier are those gods who are forgotten, free from men's desperation, untroubled and at peace.

Such has been the blissful fate of the goddess Deva for many centuries; her temples left forgotten, her shrines covered with ivy and moss. The river that bears her name tumbles by carrying her memories to the sea.

Curse the hunger of the indiscriminate. Curse their greed. To the mouth of the river came the Norse, hungry for plunder, ready to strip whatever meagre ornaments still remained in the places dedicated to the honour of Deva. Their desecration has awakened the goddess. From the highlands came the forces of the Earl McSalmond, drawn to the valley at the goddess' will, though they know not what they defend or why. From the great ocean the goddess called the seafaring elves, knowing that they stood ready to protect that which is sacred.

But the goddess' call was not only heeded by those who could come to her aid. The forces of the blood god hear the call and see the chance to desecrate that which is pure. And now the forces of the god who revels in the destruction of all other gods come to play their part - to foil the plans of the blood god or to feast on what remains of Deva's memory?

Cursed be the day that the goddess Deva was remembered. Cursed be those who would not let her rest in peace.



This Saturday, 5 July, four of us oldhammerers - Warlord Paul, Thantsants, VanLoon, and myself - will converge on Gauntlet, the show run by the Deeside Defenders. It's at the Airbus Dining hall, above the Wings Social Club, Broughton, near Chester. If you're in the area, why not join us? (And a couple of us may return on the Sunday too.)

We're each bringing a small force of around 400 points, so that there's at least a fighting chance we might get a couple of linked games in; Paul's bringing his Unwanted of Malal, a wonderful force put together from the plastic kits given to him by the disenchanted. VanLoon is bringing a Khornate force. Thantsants is bringing some Norse, and I'm bringing some mcdeath style highlanders (I'm hoping to also bring Sea Elves for maximum narrative flexibility). Of course, the best laid plans o' mice an' men gang aft agley, so some of the crucial bits and pieces I wanted for conversions to get my highlanders ready haven't come in the post. That said, I still have a modest force and I think with a bit of imagination and lateral thinking I'll have them ready for the fight. I'm very excited to see what everyone else is bringing.

I've come up with the narrative above to give some explanation as to what we're all doing in this corner of Albion, and I've drawn on some of the local place name history to give it some regional appropriateness. (The picture above is of Minerva's shrine in Chester.) Incidentally, if any of you guys can bring terrain that will help with the background - e.g. anything ruined temple or shrine or monument like, and anything that would work for a river/estuary environment - that would be great. But I reckon we can make a good go of whatever people have to hand!

Will the awakening of Albion's forgotten Goddess rip the land apart? Or will she be allowed to rest in peace, freed from the attentions of a disturbed world?